For the past four years I have not been in a relationship, I have not had sex, and I have not achieved  any substantial accreditation. Needless to say, I am exactly the type of person to tell you what happens to you when you find yourself in a not-situation.

Here are the three things that will happen to you in the first few years of the “Not“:

1.  Relationship

For the upcoming years of not being in a relationship, you will develop stalker-like tendencies. You’ll fall in love with every attractive person that acknowledges your existence, at least till the next attractive person comes by. You’ll make up scenarios in your head, about adopting  Malawi babies and have matching underwear.

2. Sex

Being I do not have a vagina between my legs, I do not know how this will affect women, but for men it basically means you’ll end up getting aroused a lot easier. You’ll get aroused from your friend saying the word apple, because you remember it being the safe word in a German S&M video you watched earlier.

3. Achievement

You start noticing the little things in your life. You don’t have a driver’s license, you see your friends moving to greater things in their life, you notice your bank account is -1893.48, and you still live with your parents. It’s just terrible.

There isn’t any special underlying message in this paragraph. This is simply here to reinforce to you that the idea of life is terrible, unless you do something about it. Okay, I lied.